Living in a state of Hell

Lotsa things happen for the past few months. Been going through multiple job interviews, unable to get a job that is with normal working hours so as to be able to continue doing kofu. Been facing persecutions from FD ICs repeatly till i started to give way & just let all the rubbish sink into me without fighting against it anymore. Been wandering why this is happening to me repeatly & finally succumb to my emotions that i broke down. It has been so long since i last cried. I cant remember why my emotions just overflow that i just wont bother to control them at all. Now still in a trash bin status, wanna left myself outta state of hell but i just simply cant pull out right now because i am too tired.. I know is all excuses but can i just rest for a day or so.. I just want to rot & just "disappear" into the mudslide without being noticed. Can i do so?

It's almost end of August. Region & zone chief approach me last week. Again, i was being posted for my next mission. I know somehow i was being delayed for 4 months since i was being approached in April. But this time, the feeling was like i should be more or less ready to go. Because if i don't leave now, my members wont grow. My girls wont be able to have independent faith. But again, i truly be able to experience what it meant by V GD sharing on sansho shima that comes in good form. WD, Asst WD, MD & Chap WD all strongly agrees that i should not take up the role in the new chapter. WD has been calling me since last week, been sharing alot with her regarding who are the high possibilities of the new chapter chiefs are. Upon hearing that the new MD chapter is some1 whose life is so link with Sensei (this is what i feel) but in their mentality is that he's some1 who is so self driven, target oriented & chiong.. They refuse to move over strongly. It sounds so like a threat that if they are to move over as a whole district, they'll step down as members & to remain in the old chapter. Then if the district is to be led by Asst adults, they feel that it's not the right time.. haiZ~ I always remember that if we always say we are not ready, den when are we ready? Bcoz we r nvr ready, if we are to say we mus prepare ourselves to be ready. Last sat, chapter chiefs meet up with us. But in the end, the results are something that they didn't expect. It is like bad news really spread v fast. Ah wei called me 2 nights ago & was like asking liao.. hMmm.... Internal struggling has been going on for the 4th day. I know since the decision is oredi make not to like take up the role liao, den i shld not hv think so much rite now bcoz there's nth much tat i can do. Struggle to tell myself this is the best way out, though deep down i noe i am not convincing enough.... I have let Sensei down is bcoz tat i lack the courage to stand up.

July overview

Have stopped writing for almost 2 months... In overview, July is a month where lots of training took place. Have been learning alot especially towards the end of the month where we are to attend a all leaders YWD training course at HQ. I invited CY & P to this training course. Am glad that P enjoyed & get to learn something... When it comes to the study by V GD - Sandra, she almost doze off.. Hee.. She admitted herself. It was like the don't know how many times since i listen to this gosho but it never fails to deepen myself each time i get the chance to listen to senior leader sharing its significant... CY is still far from being trained.. She's playing with her fingers, hair, dozing off, yawning, not concentrating while chanting. I really need to train her up.. To build up her confidence, talking to people, especially people around her. She's so shy, so soft. But when we get to know her, she's a loud, some1 with lacking of self confident but is so in love with comics, drawing... =) Must reali grasp hold of her & make her grow faster.. hEE.. I hv insufficient time liao.. Another 2 years, i believe i'll be in WD. Remembering what Peifang shared with me, i must really cherish the hectic schedule that i have right nw as in WD, things will paced down & i may feel lost with the excess timing.

Simply so Sick of everything

Well, coming sat will be the last preparation mtg for FD R4R5 inter region xchange mtg at Jurong kaikan. So far, the responses are not that bad, but could have expected much more better attendance. I guess most probably is due to NDP training, 7777 training – SSA is celebrating 40th anniversary since it first started in 1967. How time flies…

Kinda breathless lately sometimes, been overly busy till I cant take it. I need a good break, a job where I can contribute more… Feeling so useless in here, feeling the tension between colleagues, dunno how come the cultural in here is so erm… living w/o politics & yet having politics at d same times.. Know what I mean, it’s just so confusing.. Hated people wit these kinda attitudes… Well, still prefer a more female oriented environment, who say working in a male dominated environment is good. It depends. For my case, I’ll still prefer female oriented environment.. So far, the females colleagues are nicer, much more nicer than the males 1s. Not so insensitive, gives more opinions… I guess this is the exception case I have get in touch with so far…

Now facing such a heavy job karma, present situation is not something that I’m looking forward to everyday. Next job, I really must chant for the good fortune to be able to stay for long & must be 1 that I am able to continue to contribute to kofu.

Been having lotsa backaches, waist aches… I think I really overstrain my back muscles. Looking fat/meaty doesn’t mean I have the strength or energy to carry heavy tv sets. It’s just to sick to continue that way.

Having funny team leader asking you the same question over & over again. How’s ur mom? I tink it has been like almost 2 weeks since she recovered from dengue but he just kip on asking.. u Noe what does IRRITATING comes from? Now I’ll tell u this is irritating, having ask me so many times of the same questions.

Next came another engineer who thinks he can go around ordering junior post like me to help him do his work. I just feel like tearing him apart at times when he can simply make our work slightly easier…

Also having a same age engineer, someone who is more superior than me.. HaiZ~ What exactly do I want I in my life?

Must resolve & base everything on faith 100% without doubt…

Spoiled by a mon afternoon, some sicko think that he is always right. Well, now I really get to understand what does this phrase meant “Silence is golden.” Next time, I am not going to share my views with him. I am not going to answer any of his questions unless he turns over and ask, if not, I choose to hold my words. I never see any guy with such kinda features, maybe that’s the reason why he didn’t manage to go through NS years like the normal Singaporean does. He will cover his nose or mouth if choice is not given to him to walk past the smokers. He will talk as if he is always 100% perfectly right. Couldn’t he use his brain for once in other aspects of areas aside studies? He really looks so ‘la ta’, meaning without shaving, having real short hair like those guys who are been forced to cut till that short to go for NS or reservice. Wander if he really does need to go through NS, will he be a different fella? Hated smokers, haha.. If he really does have the chance to be 1, he may most probably join them. Still at times don’t know why Singaporeans themselves are like running away from jobs which I believe they term “dirty”. Like nurses, services line – waitress, sales assistants. Now we have imported foreign talents from other countries. I wander how many of us started to feel threatened with our own people getting lesser & foreigners getting more…

bZ PH

Today is a rather packed day. It begins with a 10am mtg up session with the ladies. Hee... Guess it's a PH thus ppl tend to sleep late the day before. Next time, i must plan for morning calls & breakfast. =) Well, it's a good start to actual see so many being able to join in for today. 7/9 ladies were with me today. I believe i need to work harder to make it 9/9, perfect attendance.. hehe.. Maybe next time, we can try going for exercise session.

Then in the afternoon, another refreshing session. Planning together with R4 ics to have a wonderful june region exchange mtg. Looking forward to see them in may 19. But of course, b4 d 19th session, i'll love to meet up all of them in 12th to "warm" every1 up so as to look forward to the 19th session. Souvenirs hMm... It's never in my mind that i am going to have a DIY session...

Followed by, an evening movie with my dear... Been so so so busy the whole day, it's always good to have him around in the evening, at least to round up the day with him.

Well, always been bumping around for like erM.. quite a while.. Mus seriously take up things in my life, career is 1 impt thing tat m concerned about. 2ndly, family karma to break thr, 3rdly growth of the ladies & girls under my care. All these don't come in order, i just put what comes along my mind now. Pretty upset to hear that both of them are not going to be together for now, must chant that they must grow together during this period & of course to get back together after all necessary things are to be done & this time round that they must be able to grow together with a single mind frame. For the time being, all i can contribute now is to chant for their growth & happiness.

Jobs?

Well well well, once again, i was lazy for like 20 odd days since my last post. Been very busy with work, soka & match making for my cousin. Let's hope the flowers will bloom this time. I am someone who don't introduce guys or ladies of no quanlity. But somehow the chemistry must spark up & burn... hMm.. How to make this formula works?

Back to my busy boring life, been trying to look for a job lately. Erm, job hopping again? It sucks man, what do i want in my life? What is my ultimate aim in a career? Been thinking whether should i apply for this tour guide study thingy? :S People often mention at our quarter age of a century year or in our mid 20s, we are often confused what we really want & will do something out of extraordinary just to find out the answer. I am still not up to the standard that i am willing to quit my current job & just be a bumper for the next few months till i found a job that is a job that i love, a dream job? So what's a dream job? Well, in my own opinion, it meant having to work in a place where i enjoy & it's as if i am having fun instead of working. Still not reaching there yet, so exactly what do i want in a career?

*thinking cap is on.... But monster ZzZ always on its standby mode, i need sleep. Having to listen to such a "wow" testimonial during last sun morning session by a MD. He's reali solid & also having lotsa good fortune in his life. How he's able to transform his bad days into happy days. It's not that easy, i wander how many youngsters can really take the kinda hardships he took? Having a depressed wife & a little baby together with himself, he is having 3 mouths to feed daily. To be able to work from a construction worker to a present Control Manager is no joke as he's having only a P3 standard. Imagine having just a pri sch education w/o a PSLE, what can you do in the present world? Cleaner & all the dirty jobs which everyone of us is avoiding? But the people in the present world are getting more & more educated, so what will happen to all the dirty jobs? Will there be anyone taking them? If not, then what will happen to this world? Who'll be cleaning up the roads, toilets for us?

Just to share something interesting with those who don't really read papers. I get this piece of news from my colleague. He mentioned that in the papers that the scientisits actually found another planet which is similar to Earth. It's called 地球兄弟 & its 1 week is like Earth 1 year. That's freaking slow... They have resources like O2, H2O & gravity is like heavier than what we have in here. But the next sick thing is that it needs at least 28,000 Earth years to get there! Who'll actually live to reach there? I was just joking with my colleagues saying that they can give birth during this long journey to the planet. But it's really a worry nowadays that the Earth is getting hotter & having strange weathers. I really think will i still get to see this beautiful Earth till my last breath?

Refresh, Retreat & Recover

Hee... I have been like lazy for about 1 odd month.. Well, basically to update what happen to myself lately? I went to Taiwan with my boyfriend from mar 18 - mar 24. Opps, i have to missed FD zone meetings. :( But it was really a refreshing trip. It was like having to work like almost 4 years before i had the chance to really fly outta SGP to relax myself totally. 1 piece of advise, go for free & easy package if you aren't going with your parents & of course not that lazy to plan your trip. Thank goodness, i have a lovely & hardworking bf to plan it for me. Because it'll be practically so much fun & with much freedom to roam around the place with your friends or your loved one. We had covered the Northen Taiwan, i'll plan to go back there again to visit the rest of Taiwan.

After back from Taiwan, there were some changes in life. 1 of my engineer resign, change of new manager & management. Sucks~ I hated changes & somemore it changes so fast till i cant breathe. *Take a deep breathe. Now i am adjusting to new changes though work load never lightens.. Now my supervisor intend to "groom" my colleague for a permanent placement. Once again, i have to be left alone to deal with the giant TVs. I really regretted for not asking what are the requirements in a job? Next time, i must rememeber, dead dead also must remember.. How can be so sotong?! Must be the squids fault.. Haa... Times flies... Now i have other plans in mind which really requires good timing, luck & of course not to forget to base on faith to overcome my current situation. I needed a stable job, but problem is what kinda industry? I dreamt of going into hotel industries, but the working hours freak me out. Next, i plan to take up tour guide course.. This is something which i don't really need much consideration because it's something so me but i just scared that time is not enough. Can someone spare me another 24 hours? :

Well, i have approximately another 2 months before time is up. To continue or to cease the contract.. Headache.. Admin. hMm.. bore & fatty job. Engineering, the fire is dying off... Think think what exactly do i want? Time flies & aHh... i am already like stepping into the late 20s. Eeks, so scary... Time flies flies zoom zoom us... So never stop where we are, i am not even 1% Sensei's pace. No, i must continue to read, continue to fight on, continue to foster my successors, continue to struggle & ultimately win! Alright, it's like almost 1am. Time to zoom to bed.. haa... @_@

Twins

Well, previous post was being clicked twice thus ended having 2 identical posts. Just trying to check if there's a way to just delete the duplicate posting... *_*

Laziness, confusion & what's next?

Another day has just like swept past me. Been realizing that i have been really kinda lazy & being staying confuse. Laziness starts to creep into me when i least expected it to come. I guess it must be due to being like my working lifestyle in xxx company, not too nice to name it out. I don't have this kinda feelings in my past companies, does that imply environment really affects me? Well, i suddenly remember a sentence by Sensei, "Man & environment are one", they do affect each other somehow in someways.

Must really do Human Revolution to change for a better self, to be able to break through & tell myself that i can be hardworking despite the given lazy environment. Change it!

Confusion is always my middle name, trying to tell myself to keep my head cool & calm in order not to let confusion gets into me again. Looks like confusion scores another victory. >_<
So is a he or she issue now? He is some1 whom i thought i really treasure alot but seems that i cant stop hurting him. She is some1 whom i think i regard as a good sister but thinks & hopes my 6th sense is not working right this time. Now is a he or she or me issue? Sounds confusing or did i make this confusing in the 1st place?

Too tired to carry on being confuse now as laziness & tireness enters into my life right at this moment. KO now.

How i spend my nian chu san

Happy lunar new year! It has been sometime since i came in to post my thoughts. Well, i have been lazy for quite a few months. Been skipping my daily practise lately, this is not a good sight. Must really continue to polish my life. Today, i went out with my bb & Tris. We went to Istana as today is the open house for public. We spent around 1 odd hour touring the whole place & pay $2 entrance fee for each person to get into the white palace. Below are some of the pictures my bf took at the Istana.

























It's such a hot afternoon & when we are about to leave, it starts to drizzle a little. There are quite a number of items going on sale & all amounts will be donated to the community chest. After the long walk, we obviously need a nice cold drink to quence our thrist. We ended at Cathy Cineplex starbucks. I went for a raspberry ice blended fracuppino, bb went for mocha ice blended fracuppino & Tris went for ice passion tea.

Spending like almost an hour enjoying the cool air con & cold drinks, we went straught for the cinema where we get to catch this show, "the Dreamgirls". http://www.dreamgirlsmovie.com/site_james.html
I'll rate this show, 4.5/5 stars. This movie is real GOOD! If you yet to catch this show, make sure you do remember to catch this wonderful show & do book online tickets as the Q in cathy is freaking long. I reached Cathy around 1pm to grad the tickets, guess what?! We ended up at the 2nd front row from the screen. It's a lucky thing that we didn't get to have dizzy spins despite being so front. It's not too nice to reveal too much details about the show.. hEhE.. I guess i didn't mention too much. If you really wanna know what's in the show, do book the tickets.

After 2 hours in the theatre, did i mention that you need a jacket or some thick clothings to sit through out the show, it's freaking cold inside. So make sure you bring 1 in order not to get freeze. hahaha.... Lastly, we wrapped our session with a simple carrot cake dinner at PS - Kopitiam as all our stomachs are filled with sweet caramel popcorn.

This is how i spend my nian chu san, feb 20 2007. Duh, it's a boring day tomorrow. Y? Because we gonna work, shucks.